I believe I have an unnatural fascination with Bret Michaels. It started with Season 2 of Rock of Love. It amazes me how girls can cry over a guy who wears a bandana on his head ALL the time. I think the long blonde hair is actually a wig and he is balding. He wore the bandana when he took a girl to a fancy restaurant. She was in a formal; he had on a t-shirt and bandana. I’m pretty sure it was a clean t-shirt, but still…

Right now E True Hollywood Story is on. It is about Bret. (I feel as though I deserve to call him by his first name; I’ve watched four episodes of Rock of Love) I am feeling as though I have been lied to my whole life. The member of the band that I thought was CC wasn’t. I just watched the part where CC was kicked out of the band and it wasn’t the guy who I thought. I feel as though during my teenage years I was living a lie.

In addition, Slash of Guns and Roses was almost Poison’s guitarist but he wouldn’t do the glam thing. What an idiot.

The odd thing is that I never was into Poison as a teenager. Yes, I wanted to dance with a boy to Every Rose has a Thorn, but I also wanted to dance with a boy to Stairway to Heaven and that is the worst slow song ever written – It’s 15 minutes long and it has a heavy guitar rift in the middle that you can’t really slow dance to but you can’t really fast dance either and so you end up just going around in circles for the whole song feeling like an idiot. The horror.

I just learned that Bret is a dad. Instead of diapers, they used biodegradable bandanas.

“He has been so successful because he writes from the heart. He wanted to make sure his daughter had a hero.” I think he doesn’t care anymore because he is now on TV with some scary women. Instead of offering an engagement, he asks the final girl to go have monkey sex. Then he gives her a sweaty bandana.

He hasn’t found his Rock of Love in a mansion so now he is trying it on a bus. I think he is right. He really should try the bus. It has nothing to do with whether or not a girl you would want to fall in love with probably wouldn’t make out with you in front of 10 others and your first kiss with her was great because it tasted of beer and doritoes.

The True Hollywood Story is over, and I feel as though it has truly changed me. I would never have guessed that Bret dropped out of school. I was shocked to find out that when Poison’s first album came out, no one could tell if the group was women or men. And it altered my existence to see that he started wearing the bandanas in the 80’s. Perhaps I should go back to my 80’s hairstyle. I admit that I don’t read Vogue, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pictures of over permed hair shaped into a triangle with claw like bangs coming back in. I’ll call Juan immediately.

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