I Love Tom Collins or Why Hansel and Gretel’s parents left them in the woods

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My goal is and will always be to write on my blog twice a week.  I understand how difficult it is for you to go without my insights into this world.  Instead of writing twice a week, however, my children are alive.  Still.  There are women who look at the first day of school with regret.  They will miss having their children home all day.  I have come to realize that these women drink.  A lot.  And it ain’t just Diet Coke.  Due to my religious beliefs, I do my best to be sober.  I have decided to petition the leaders of my church to allow stay at home moms to be completely plastered the last week of summer vacation.  I am waiting a response.
On Wednesday, a friend called and asked if I would like to hike Mount Helena with her family.  Her kids are similar in age as mine and they had done it, so I said sure.  I understand that my three year old may be a little young to hike a mountain, but I say it is time for him to start pulling his weight.  If he had been born a Mormon in the 1800’s he would have had to walk across a few states by now.  He actually did really well.  He only complained when he tripped on the way down.  James only complained on how slow we were going.  Katherine was almost left for the forest ranger to find. 
On the way up, she took her shoes and socks off every few feet.  I asked her if her shoes were too small but she had a splinter on her foot.  I could understand if this was hurting but she was complaining about her pinky toes.  At the same time she said her shoes were not too small and there were no blisters on her toes.  Then she needed to pee and took 20 minutes to find the correct tree.  Four other kids peed in the same time frame.  ¾ of the way up she asked why we can’t drive to the top.  That conversation lasted 20 minutes because she was sure I could buy a car small enough to fit on the trail and long enough to take all of them.
We made it almost to the top when Seth started to slow down, Katherine had taken her shoes off and was walking barefoot, and James was telling the girls he was hearing rattle snakes.  I made the announcement that my family would be heading down now.  KATHERINE said no.  She wanted to make it to the top.  Seth did too.  So I said fine.  We made it to the top.  I did not feel any sense of accomplishment because I knew we had to go back down.
Katherine made it almost all the way down and then she stopped.  Now had I been drunk, I think I would have been more understanding.  I was sober, and done.  So in my best threatening voice, I said, “Fine. Stay on this rock.  I will walk down, call the forest ranger and let him know your coordinates.”  I then made her cry by telling her not to follow me.  She better not get up off that rock or I would be really angry.  I kept walking.  She followed whimpering most of the way until she saw everyone at the car and gave a demure little smile to let everyone know she made it.
I got everyone an ice cream at Dairy Queen that melted all over the car when they fell asleep before they finished them. 
I now appreciate Hansel and Gretel’s parents and their decision to leave their children in the woods.  I also understand why the witch may want to bake a couple of kids.  I’m beginning to enjoy the original fairytales with all of their violence, much more than the Disney versions.
Man, I need a drink.

2 responses to “I Love Tom Collins or Why Hansel and Gretel’s parents left them in the woods

  1. Amen. I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this way.

  2. How's the petition going? Tomorrow marks the first day of the last week of summer vacation for the kids and I.AM.DONE. Maybe I'll take them on a little walk….. Thanks for the laugh – I needed it!!

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