Resolution: Become Vain

I am trying to get a few relatively achievable goals.  I would like to not be discouraged this year, seeing as I have my “novel” to finish and that is discouraging enough.  And I have to do the laundry.  So this year, drum roll please, I have decided my New Year’s Resolution is to become vain.

Now I will admit that I am a little vain.  I believe anyone who gets out of bed, showers, combs their hair, and chooses what they will wear is slightly vain.  You graduate in vainness by how long you take with your hair; how much make-up you wear; if your clothes match and have no stains on them.  On a scale of 1-10, 1 being you cut your hair with toe-nail scissors and 10 being you get a blow-out every other day, I believe I range from a 4 to 6 on a daily basis and around an 8 for special occasions.  Looking at my scale, perhaps I don’t have enough gradations in it.  There is a mighty big gap between toenail scissors and blowouts.  Oh, well.  This is my reality and I am sticking to it.

I have decided to become an 8 in vainitude.  This is going to take some effort.  I may have to stop wearing fleece and ponytails.  Maybe I should get my hair cut into a style that must be done instead of growing it out and wearing a newly knitted hat over it.  I have tons of eye make up.  I will have to start using it though.  I may have to start wearing base as well.

I am also going to have to enter a twelve step program that will help me get over my resentfulness toward the time it takes to shower, and put gel in my hair.  I got up late Friday and I almost decided to not do any of it.  Until I realized I would be going out in public.  I swear if it weren’t for the public, I would only wear pajama bottoms with fuzzy slippers.  Instead of ten pairs of shoes, I would have ten pairs of fuzzy slippers.  If I did that now, people would think I was trying to look like a high school student.  I wish that would stop being a fad.  Because then I could do it without looking desperate.  Fuzzy slippers for Everyone!

In order to accomplish an 8, my children can no longer come near me unless they sanitize first.  I will put signs in the bathroom: “members of the family must wash hands after using the bathroom if they would like to come within 200 feet of Mommy.”  Too bad only one kid can read.  I’ll put another sign with an x over soap = an x over my picture.  Then we can have a dinner conversation devoted to what these signs mean.

I will also need my husband to get another job.  I will need to start wearing $200 heels that pinch my feet.  I will also need $500 jeans that fit just so and really large diamond earrings.  Like the ones Oprah wears. In fact, I think I need every one of Oprah’s favorite things starting from 1995.  Maybe my husband can get a part time job at the local bookstore.  I recently read a wonderful essay on how fun a part time job would be.

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4 responses to “Resolution: Become Vain

  1. Kelli Butenko

    My friend from Baltimore, who so badly wants to know you, declared around this time a few years ago that the following year would be “The Year of the Feet.” She vowed to slough, pumice, moisturize and polish regularly. And I then vowed to mock her mercilessly.

    • How long did she last and did she get blisters every time she walked slightly uphill? And I will be her friend… for a fee.

  2. It lasted a year. My feet very ever so happy. Mouaturized and polished and I did it myself. Now 2010 was “Year of the Husband” and I am working on new theme for 2011. I like to have a theme.

    • What did you do for year of the husband? did he know it was his year? Maybe that should be my theme this year…

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