I’m sick. This is not a good thing. You may think it is not a good thing because when I got up this morning, we had no forks, plates and only two clean spoons and not a single toilet in my house was flushed, but that is a topic for another day when I am in a better mood and not completely resentful of the whole situation.
The reason being sick is bad is that I watch a lot of Masterpiece Theater and BBC and then I decide that I am actually dying of consumption. As I lie in front of the TV or computer trying to decide if I need my blood let or I should take liquid metal, I realize that my life is completely unfair because I do not have a lady’s maid. If I had a lady’s maid, my hair would always look great, my bed would always be made, and my clothes would always be pressed and put away. That wouldn’t really matter to me, though because my lady’s maid would be getting my clothes out for me and helping me button the buttons and fasten the snaps of my jewelry, which would be really nice, by the way because if you can afford a lady’s maid, you can afford some really nice jewelry.
So I have been thinking about how I can get a lady’s maid in modern times. I came up with getting a stylist. They choose clothes and hair and find borrowable jewelry. I could be lying on my consumption deathbed looking really, really good.
At the same time, lady’s maid/stylists don’t seem to be maidens anymore but males who dress and act a lot like Cameron on Modern Family. This is how I see them in my imagination. I have never actually met a stylist. I think they would starve in Montana( both of food and of fashion). But this is all in my imagination so I guess my stylist could be whomever I choose. I think I could adjust to a male stylist but it probably wouldn’t help the romantic side of me to have Cameron buttoning my gown. At the same time, I would probably believe him more when he told me I looked fabulous over a lady’s maid. Why is that?
I guess it doesn’t really matter. I don’t have time to look for either a lady’s maid or a stylist, which I believe my butler or pr specialist should be doing for me, because I need to go do the dishes, the laundry and figure out how my house can smell so bad after just one day in bed.