Why you should not go grocery shopping on the 5th day of illness by Marianne Hansen Rencher
Ahem (clearing of throat)
- You buy 25 frozen TV dinners.
- You buy 13 single serving ice cream containers because they are so cute and would feel nice going down your throat and aren’t that many calories although you plan on eating all 13 today.
- You are standing in front of the donuts when you realize that you have never bought your family a dozen donuts and because you are going to die from consumption, you buy a dozen chocolate frosted donuts.
- You put two of the chocolate frosted donuts back and get two your husband may like until you realize that after you die he will probably marry a younger woman, the jerk.
- You spend 15 minutes picking out a box of Kleenex until you realize that the ones you really want – the ones with Menthol so that when you blow your nose it makes you a little high – are not there and you start to cry. You end up buying the box that you had to open because your nose is running so hard and it is an emergency. It is the roughest brand of tissue available.
- Before you put any food in your cart, you don’t think “Is this healthy?” but “Will this shut them up and can they feed it to themselves so that I don’t have to get out of bed?”
- You realize you have not showered yet.
- You realize that there is nowhere to put the food you are buying because your husband went to Costco by himself on Saturday and bought $200 of FRUIT.
- You remember you need to get a lot more toilet paper because of your husband’s purchase.
- You are writing this from jail because you tried to buy 5 bottles of Nyquil.