Miscarriages Are Hard

Miscarriages are hard.  They’re death.  My son died.  When you go to talk to someone who has had a miscarriage, remember that.  And before you speak, ask yourself if you would say that to someone who just lost their child.  When in doubt, just say you’re sorry.  Actually, don’t risk it.  Just say you’re sorry.

I was told by the nurse that people would try to comfort me with poorly chosen words.  Even in grief, I would need to be patient with others and they’re lack of knowing what to do.

Grief is interesting.  I haven’t been able to just let go and feel everything I feel.  I’ve been thinking about my kids and husband.  I need to be there for them too.  And I don’t quite know how to do it.

I’ve been told to take some time alone.  I’ve been told to call a friend to come over in an hour to make sure I’m okay, and spend that hour crying has hard has I need.  I’ve been told to drive to the mountains and scream.

Instead, I’m going to Disneyland.

I can’t seem to just scream.  I’ve never been able to.  I can cry, but I need to scream.  So I’m going to ride the Tower of Terror and scream.  And if there are tears with the screams, then I guess I’m just that scared.

And it will be nice to go somewhere no one knows me or my story for three days.  I can scream without people talking to me.  Except to tell me to have a “Disney-rific Day” and “Welcome home.”

This could end up being a horrible idea.  I may start crying on the Tower of Terror and not stop.  Plus I’m fighting feelings of abandoning my family and the knowledge life will never be the same no matter how much I scream.

I will never meet my little boy.  I will never hold him, kiss him, or nuzzle his neck.  And for the rest of my life, he will be in the back of my mind.

I’m a mother of four now.  And even Mickey Mouse can’t make it all better.

18 responses to “Miscarriages Are Hard

  1. livrancourt

    I think it takes about 45 minutes for a woman to go from finding out she’s pregnant to planning for her child’s high school graduation. Almost immediately this abstract concept becomes a real person, even though you haven’t met them yet. So absolutely you’re the mother of four, and my heart breaks for you that you won’t get to hold your son in your arms. I hope hanging out with Mickey helps make things better, at least for a while.

    • Marianne Hansen

      Thank you! But if you do hear of someone having an altercation with Mickey, know it’s probably me.

  2. I am so very sorry for your loss, Marianne. Wishing you a Disneyriffic catharsis and much screaming on all the scary rides. (There should be a special pass to get you to the front of the lines, for this. That’s right, Disney: groups, the elderly, the disabled, and the grieving.)

    Best fresh squeezed OJ I ever had was in Disneyland. So there’s that.

  3. Natalie Davis

    I sorry for your loss.:( Hope you have a good time in Disneyland.

  4. Words just aren’t enough at a time like this. You’ve been in my thoughts and just know that there is a lot of love and concern behind these words: I’m truly sorry.

    Your words here are strong and important and beautiful. Bless you.

  5. sarafoster456366383

    my heart breaks for you. Love is love and we all face loss differently. Sending love your way and hope that you find some relief screaming or punching out Mickey. Or Donald Duck. He annoys me.

    • Marianne Hansen

      They really should allow adults to go somewhere and get their aggression out on those characters. And thanks

  6. Very well written Marianne.

  7. Oh, my friend. Beautiful. ❤
    I'm so, so sorry.
    Big hugs, always.

  8. Kelli Butenko

    Sometimes, when you are not funny, you are at your best on paper.

  9. Kelly Anderson

    i love you and i am sorry. don’t go on the matterhorn, it is terrible now that we are old. it needs to be completely redone, it will make you need a massage but that might not be a bad idea so just skip the ride and get a massage. if it was me i would skip disneyland all together and just go to a spa. in Bali. Yes, that is the best place. let me know if you need a tour guide. ❤

  10. Jessica Gehring

    Dear friend. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby boy in 2010. I was 15 -16 weeks along. My water broke and Nick was born at home in the early morning hours while my husband was talking to the dr on the phone. It was such a difficult time for me, my husband, and my 3 little girls. A book that really helped me was “Gone Too Soon” by Sherri Wittwer. A song that comforted me – AND helped me cry my eyes out over and over and over and over…. is called “Blessings” by Laura Story. I’m praying for your comfort and peace during this time. Now you have a beautiful, perfect little angel in heaven watching over you and your family. There have been just a couple times since Nick’s birth and quick death that I have felt him so strongly by my side. I pray you can also have some of those sweet, tender mercies when you need them most. Much love to you and yours. ❤️ Feel free to call me and scream or cry anytime you need.

    • Marianne Hansen

      I’m so sorry you lost your boy. And thanks for your kind words. This is such a hard thing. It doesn’t seem fair.

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