Tag Archives: Black Friday

My name is Marianne and I shop on Thanksgiving

(What you are about to experience may be called controversial. It may even go against everything you stand for. I understand this and am really glad I won’t have to fist fight you for a Cabbage Patch Kid at Target on Thursday. Keep your principles! Shop online instead!)

I don’t understand the hype around retail stores being open on Thanksgiving. I know. I’m a horrible person. But after calculating a few things, I realized I’ve been a horrible person most of my life. This makes me feel an enormous sense of well-being.

It all started that dark Thanksgiving Day in the early 90’s. My brother and I were a bit bored and decided to go to a movie. We kept people away from their families that day without a second thought. And we kept doing it. Year after year after year. It became, dare I say, a tradition. I realize now, that seemingly innocent act was actually the beginning of my downfall.

It multiplied that one Thanksgiving I ran out of nutmeg and ran to the store early in the morning. How could I serve a pumpkin pie without nutmeg? Now I realize how unfeeling this act of purchasing truly was.

Now I must admit I’m a bit perplexed why people who work retail are more deserving to stay home than those who work at grocery stores, movie theaters or gas stations. But for some reason it wasn’t until you could buy a big screen TV on Thanksgiving that an uproar was created.

Maybe it’s because movies aren’t commercial. They are made selflessly for the entertainment of the populous. I’m almost 98% certain the executives who earn the majority of the profits work on Thanksgiving to show camaraderie with the guy selling me $5 Jr Mints.

And grocery stores are obviously necessary. The thought of having to buy everything beforehand without a fail safe is simply barbaric. What if Aunt Sue and Uncle Sebastian show up and we run out of paper plates? I shiver to think of such a horror.

My horribleness accumulated and last year when I went shopping Thanksgiving night. Why? Because (as my prolific friend stated) it’s “that night of laughing, chasing, hunting, and forgetting reality and responsibility while you stand in line for s*** you don’t even want.” How can I say no to that?

Do I wish it would move back to midnight like it used to be? Sure I do.

Because then I could go to a movie.

But it’s not. So I try to bring joy to those I see during my meaningless shopping excursion. I let them know they have saved a life by coming in on the most hallowed of holidays based around food. Because if I have to listen to Aunt June tell me how amazing her children are one more time, someone is going to get hurt.

Black Friday? More Like AMAZING Friday

I have a bad history with sleep deprived shopping.  Over the summer, after only 2.5 hours of sleep, the $200 French 101 textbook at my alma mater’s bookstore was EXACTLY what I needed.  (Luckily my alma mater also has a 24-hour return policy.  After 8 hours of sleep, I realized I probably wasn’t going to learn French in the privacy of my own home.  With just a textbook.  Without the answer key.)

Unfortunately, I LOVE sleep deprived shopping.  It should be a sponsored sport.  You just never know what you’ll think you can’t live without at 2am.  It’s very different than at 2pm.

Doubly luckily, my good friend Hollie feels the same way.  Our one guaranteed excursion each year is Black Friday shopping and we do our best to make it the best excursion ever.  Her family also comes along and ALSO enjoys sleep deprived shopping.  It’s a trifecta of perfection.

Now I can’t tell you all of my purchases because I’m giving them away but I can tell you that the $100 amethyst ring I bought for $10 so I could stand in line in the jewelry department instead of in the line that wrapped through the whole store was probably the best $10 I spent all night.  AND had I not waited in line in the jewelry department I wouldn’t have found this:

I even did my nails

I even did my nails

I also realized that Hollie needed one as well and I told her I was getting her one for Christmas except that I put it in her pile of stuff so she bought herself a Christmas present from me.  I still get credit for the gift, though.  Cuz it’s the thought that counts.

Then we went to Denny’s because they had all had an early Thanksgiving dinner but I had a late one so I ended up just getting a Coca-Cola float with a Diet Coke chaser.  I was a bit wired afterwards.  But it was all part of the game plan.

Then we went to JC Penney and Hollie and Tiffany and I decided we should commemorate the glorious occasion by buying a matching outfit.  And only at 1am would I buy an outfit that was partially found in the little girls’ department.  But I think it was a solid purchase although it looks cuter on my teammates.

You totally can't tell which two are sisters

You totally can’t tell which two are sisters

We parted ways at about 1:30 when we were all tired and we realized we had children who would be waking up in five hours. Overall it was a successful and educational shopping excursion.  I learned that I am the only person over the age of 14 who raises her hand when trying on dark green leather jackets to see if it’s uncomfortable to ask a question in a classroom while wearing the coat.  I also learned that Hollie and Tiffany would raise their hands when trying on leather coats from now on in order to mock me.  Even when I’m not there.  And then text me to let me know they can raise their hands.

And I learned that Coke floats with Diet Coke chasers at midnight make me shake just a tiny bit.

I can’t wait to see what I learn next year.

We Are Preparing For Black Friday

This Friday is Black Friday.  I now join my friend Hollie and her family on this sacred of holidays.  It’s tradition.  This is the second year in a row.

I recently found out that Hollie used to be an expert MAC cosmetics artist.  I think this is what they’re called.  I’m not completely sure.  What I am sure about is the fact that Black Friday would be the perfect time for her to give me a makeover while we’re standing in line in 30 degree weather waiting for Target to open.

She recommended a party bus.  Party buses remind me of bachelorette parties.  There is no reason for this.  I’ve never been to one on a party bus.  I’ve never actually been on a party bus.  But whenever they’re used on TV, they’re used for bachelorette parties.  So I said we should get a Chippendale for Black Friday.  But Chippendales creep her out.  I think it’s the stretchy pants.  But I see him more as someone who just sits there quietly because he comes with the bus.  You know.  With the neon twinkle lights.

Instead, we’re going to try and find the guys who sold hot chocolate to people in line last year.  We saw them at two different stores.  I have a feeling they funded a semester from this one night of sales.

Maybe they could fund two if they wore stretchy pants.

Black Friday Shopping

Scene: 9:30 pm.  A Pediatric Dentist and his wife turn in early because they are living the dream.  His cell phone rings.

PD: Hello?

Women with heavy German accent: Dr. Rencher?

PD: Yea?

Woman: I am Olga from the Hutterite colony Summerfest.  (name and colony made up)  Are you going Black Friday shopping?

PD: Uhm, maybe?

Woman: Could you buy me something?

PD: I guess… (said with intense confusion.)

Woman: Could you get me a steam iron at Sears?  It is normally $40 but is on sale for $20.

PD: OK (said with hesitation.)

Woman: I will be bringing my children Monday and I will pay for it then.  I promise to pay for it.

PD: I’m not worried.

Woman:  OK.  Thank you.  Goodbye.

PD turns to wife: I’ve never had that happen before.  Is this normal?

Wife: Yes.  In Germany, in the 1800’s when the Hutterites left, people would often ask their Pediatric Dentist to go Black Friday shopping for them.  And then they brought him a live chicken.

(Or perhaps the better question may be why my husband agreed to buy a steam iron for a random person because he’s their kids’ dentist.  If this gets out, we may be using the extra office space to open a personal shopping business.  We match your fillings with a nice hat and glove set.)