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A Little Deviation to Remember

I’m going to deviate from my normal stance on this blog of finding the utter irony of all things and post a talk I gave in church a few Sundays ago.

Yesterday was the year anniversary of losing our baby and I had been fighting depression all week.  I knew I was still in pain, but I didn’t realize how much until it was so, so hard to get out of bed and I went to bed at 6pm on Tuesday.  I thought just yesterday would be hard, but I was wrong.  It was interesting to see how my body was handling my sorrow.  I guess I didn’t scream enough on the Tower of Terror.

But when asked to speak in church, I had to really think about what I believe.  My faith has been rocked this last year and some days it’s been a struggle to hang on.

So this is what I said (and I don’t edit my talks for grammatical issues.  I apologize for not always putting in quotation marks as they should be used.)

Remember Me

This was an interesting topic for me.  Lately, I haven’t been thinking too deeply about the Gospel  because life has been very confusing.  I’ve been treading lightly in a way.  My heart has been very tender.  There are times that I have wanted to take a break and I have fought that.  But my heart is tender enough to smile politely and silently when I disagree.

A few weeks ago I bore my testimony about how my heart was tender and that there were many things I didn’t understand and that worried my heart.  I worried this would hinder my ability to give a talk and to understand what it means to Remember Christ.

If you go to LDS.org then put “Remember Me” in the Google search bar, the result is that you will be kicked out of LDS.org and put on a Google search page where a Robert Pattenson movie will feature.  I thought this must be inspired so I watched it to see if it would help with my talk.  How easy would it be to simply give a review of this film instead of praying and studying and figuring out what I should say?

It is not a good movie, by the way.  But Pierce Brosnan is in it so it was worth while.

I went back to LDS.org and put “Remember Me” in the LDS search bar and I got a bunch of talks.  None of them were about Robert Pattenson or Pierce Brosnan but I decided to read them anyway.

While reading these talks, I realized what I could delve deeply into and what I kept on the surface, so to speak.

Most of the talks I read talked about the sacrament and how the sacrament prayer asks us to “Always remember him.”  Then we shall “always have his spirit to be with us.”

I’m going to be honest.  With recent policy changes made by the church, it was difficult for me to dig deep into this subject.  I read about how to remember Christ you just follow his teachings and example.  His example shows us we must be baptized.  And if some people can’t be baptized, how can they remember Him by following his example?

While pondering all of this, I started a conversation with a friend from NYC.  Her husband was mission president when we lived in New York City and we became good friends with them.  She had posted an article about how women often hear phrases that men never hear.  When is the last time a man has heard, “You’re so luck to have a wife who babysits your kids so willingly.”  Or “Do you still fit into your wedding tuxedo?  We’re going to have a groom’s fashion show at Young Men’s this week.”

This opened up a discussion on how we can overcome cultural stereotypes and our culture can come closer to our doctrine.  So I asked her about my concerns.  She told me that they have had many discussions in her house on this subject matter as well.

She focuses on what she Does know instead of what she does NOT know.  Then she bore her testimony.
“I know the Book of Mormon is true… I do know that I can gain a testimony personally that trusting in the Lord is the right thing to do.  And I firmly believe that we can each get a personal witness that even though “see through a glass darkly,” our faith is sufficient to help us move toward one step at a time.  I am not about to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water.  I love the Gospel.  I love the Savior.  I love the temple.  I love the safety that comes from keeping my covenants.I have had spiritual experiences that bind me to my ancestors on the other side of the veil.  To think about giving up what I Do know for what I DO NOT fully understand seems unwise and reckless.”

So I looked again and I started with what I DO know.

I do know that as Elder Costa stated in the October conference, if we think about the sacred moments of Christ’s life, they teach us and strengthen us spiritually.  As he pondered about Christ’s life, his soul was filled by an overwhelming desire to be a better person.  We can look at the Savior’s example to help us teach our children and create traditions that build our faith and testimony and protect our family.

When reflecting on the part of the Sacrament prayer where we will always have His Spirit to be with us, Elder Costa stated:
“I believe the Lord has His own timing as to when to give revelation unto us.  I understood this very clearly while studying Ecclesiastes 3:1,6, which reads:
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”…
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

The sacrament is also the time for Heavenly Father to teach us about the Atonement of His Beloved Son — our Savior, Jesus Christ–and for us to receive revelation about it.  It is a time to “knock, and it shall be opened unto you” to request and to receive this knowledge.  It is time for us to reverently ask God for this knowledge.  And if we do, I have no doubt that we will receive this knowledge, which will bless our lives beyond measures.”

I need to remember that there is a time to all things and that while I have questions and concerns, I can still go back to the basics of what I do know and believe while Remembering Him.

Elder Eyring, in his talk ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM, points out how difficult it is to always remember anything.  He said, “You may have wondered, as have I, why He used the word ALWAYS, given the nature of mortality as it weighs upon us.  You know from experience how hard it is to think of anything consciously all the time.  I am not wise enough to know all of His purposes in giving us a covenant to always remember HIm.  But I know one.  It is because He knows perfectly the powerful forces that influence us and also what it means to be human.”

He goes on to say:

“The Master not only foresees perfectly the growing power of the opposing forces but also knows what it is like to be mortal.  He knows what it is like to have the cares of life press upon us.  He knows that we are to eat bread by the sweat of our brows and of the cares, concerns, and even sorrows that come from the command to bring children to the earth.  And He knows that the trials we face and our human powers to deal with them ebb and flow.

2He knows the mistake we can so easily make: to underestimate the forces working for us and to rely too much on our human powers.  And so He offers us the covenant to “always remember him” and the warning to “pray always” so that we will place our reliance on Him, our only safety.

Danger comes when we delay or drift.  But if we start with Remembering Him, we will start with what we know.  So Elder Eyring brought me back to what I know well:
1. Jesus Christ is the Son of God.  2. He is Risen.  3.  He is the head of His Church.

I can follow this.  I can do this.  I believe this.  As I study this and remember Him and His atonement, the darkness will be dispelled.  We have been told the promised Messiah comes with healing in His wings.

Elder Eyring goes on to tell us that as we remember him we will be protected against pride because we will know that any success comes not from our human powers.  But we will also be protected against the thoughts that we are too weak, too inexperienced, too unworthy to do what we are called of God to do to serve and help save His children.

I found it interesting that we will be protected from pride but that we will also have confidence to do what needs to be done.  How great is that?

My final quote from Elder Eyring:

“There is another sure promise.  It is this: Whether or not you choose to keep your covenant to always remember Him, He always remembers you.  I testify that Jesus Christ, born in Bethlehem, was and is the Only Begotten of the Father, the Lamb of God.  He chose from before the foundations of the earth to be your Savior, my Savior, and the Savior of all we will ever know or meet.  I testify that He was resurrected and that because of His Atonement we may be washed clean through our faith to obey the laws and accept the ordinances of the gospel.

I promise you that you will feel the influence of the Holy Ghost touch your heart as you search the scriptures with new purpose and as you pray earnestly.  From that, you will have the assurance that God lives, that He answers prayers, that Jesus is the living Christ, and that He loves you.  And you will feel y our love for him increase.”

Elder Christofferson reminds us in his talk TO ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM, that as we study and remember, our desire and ability to always follow will grow.  In 2 Nephi 32:9 Nephi wrote, “I say unto you that he must pray always, and not faint; that he must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place he shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of they soul.”

As I read all of these talks and thought and thought about everything, I realized that I can stay at my base no matter how confused I am about other matters.  And my base is the same as it was when I bore my testimony weeks ago.  I know Heavenly Father lives and He loves each of his children.  I know that Heavenly Father will do everything in His power to make sure each and every one of his children can be saved.  I know Jesus Christ is Risen and that through his Atonement there is healing.  I may not know how everything works or why certain things 333happen, but I know there is healing through Jesus Christ.  I know that by remembering him, we can have the peace that comes through this knowledge.

The world is a confusing place.  I spend most of my days completely confused.  I know.  That’s a surprising fact to many of you, but it’s true.  I don’t understand anything.  I really don’t understand Sister Hatch passing away because she fell.  In a way, I think this may be too hard for me to understand.  And knowing that life is eternal doesn’t stop me from missing her and wishing she were still here.

But remembering him does help bring me peace in a general sense.  In the general sense that he healed the sick and that he took time to talk to a woman who touched his garment and because of her faith, he felt that touch and she was healed.  There is a tremendous amount of love there and in all of the stories of Christ.  So  so much love.  And no matter what happens.  NO matter how often I think I cannot do this one more day, I can remember that love and trust  and realize that I am not too weak to do as God asks.

And that love and trust helps me be less weak.  When I was younger, I had a difficult time feeling loved.  I often felt very, very alone.  I always believed Heavenly Father loves His children.  I  just didn’t always believe He loved Me.  On my mission, I could easily teach people Christ loved them.  It was only me He didn’t.  On a side note, I wish I’d known about depression then.  It would’ve made my mission so much easier.  But I know about it now and so I am able to fight these feelings. Now, as I study the scriptiures, when I read of the saviors love, I savor it.

A talk by  Jeffrey Holland really hit that home.  He broke down what we can remember and he put it into such simple terms.

If remembering is the principal task before us, what might come to our memory when those plain and precious emblems are offered to us?

“We could remember the Savior’s premortal life and all that we know him to have done as the great Jehovah, creator of heaven and earth and all things that in them are. We could remember that even in the Grand Council of Heaven he loved us and was wonderfully strong, that we triumphed even there by the power of Christ and our faith in the blood of the Lamb (see Rev. 12:10–11).

We could remember the simple grandeur of his mortal birth to just a young woman, one probably in the age range of those in our Young Women organization, who spoke for every faithful woman in every dispensation of time when she said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word” (Luke 1:38).

We could remember his magnificent but virtually unknown foster father, a humble carpenter by trade who taught us, among other things, that quiet, plain, unpretentious people have moved this majestic work forward from the very beginning, and still do so today. If you are serving almost anonymously, please know that so, too, did one of the best men who has ever lived on this earth.

We could remember Christ’s miracles and his teachings, his healings and his help. We could remember that he gave sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf and motion to the lame and the maimed and the withered. Then, on those days when we feel our progress has halted or our joys and views have grown dim, we can press forward steadfastly in Christ, with unshaken faith in him and a perfect brightness of hope (see 2 Ne. 31:19–20).

We could remember that even with such a solemn mission given to him, the Savior found delight in living; he enjoyed people and told his disciples to be of good cheer. He said we should be as thrilled with the gospel as one who had found a great treasure, a veritable pearl of great price, right on our own doorstep. We could remember that Jesus found special joy and 55happiness in children and said all of us should be more like them—guileless and pure, quick to laugh and to love and to forgive, slow to remember any offense.

We could remember that Christ called his disciples friends, and that friends are those who stand by us in times of loneliness or potential despair. We could remember a friend we need to contact or, better yet, a friend we need to make. In doing so we could remember that God often provides his blessings through the compassionate and timely response of another. For someone nearby we may be the means of heaven’s answer to a very urgent prayer.

We could—and should—remember the wonderful things that have come to us in our lives and that “all things which are good cometh of Christ” (Moro. 7:24).

On some days we will have cause to remember the unkind treatment he received, the rejection he experienced, and the injustice—oh, the injustice—he endured. When we, too, then face some of that in life, we can remember that Christ was also troubled on every side, but not distressed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed (see 2 Cor. 4:8–9).”

I will admit I don’t always know hot to handle this.  Am I supposed to think my life isn’t as bad as his so deal with it?  I have no idea like I already said.  But I do know that thought does not bring me any comfort and if its supposed to, I need to look at it in a way that works for me.  And for me, when I am going through a rough time, I don’t imagine Christ as the friend who says, “You think you had it rough; my friend sold me out.  Literally.”  Instead I see him as the friend who says, “This does eat rocks.  You’re right.  This is one horrid experience and you deserve to scream and cry and yell.  But I will be here the whole time.  Because I know how bad it is and I know you need a friend.  I know.”

Elder Holland continues:
“When those difficult times come to us, we can remember that Jesus had to descend below all things before he could ascend above them, and that he suffered pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind that he might be filled with mercy and know how to succor his people in their infirmities (see D&C 88:6; Alma 7:11–12).

To those who stagger or stumble, he is there to steady and strengthen us. In the end he is there to save us, and for all this he gave his life. However dim our days may seem they have been darker for the Savior of the world.”

And what does he ask?  Well, through President Hinckley, he said:
“My beloved associates, far more of us need to awake and arouse our faculties to an awareness of the great everlasting truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Each of us can do a little better than we have been doing. We can be a little more kind. We can be a little more merciful. We can be a little more forgiving. We can put behind us our weaknesses of the past, and go forth with new energy and increased resolution to improve the world about us, in our homes, in our places of employment, in our social activities.”

We can do a little more.  And remember Him a little more.  Just a little.  Even my tender heart can do that.

I posted how much I loved this on FB and Kevin got it for me for Christmas.

I posted how much I loved this on FB and Kevin got it for me for Christmas.

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My Sisters Finally Listened to Me

And lived to regret it.

Last week I went with my two older sisters to Disneyland

this is a horrid picture of us before being abused on the Matterhorn

 

do we look related? (the bear totally photobombed)

I am the youngest by a lot.  My sisters were basically in college by the time I could actually speak full sentences. It’s hard to take someone seriously when they are that much younger than you.

But I’d finally done it. I’d gotten them to believe me when I told them the swinging carriages on the Ferris wheel at California Disney weren’t a big deal. They barely moved. I’d been on them once and I remember feeling disappointed.

And the line was half as long.

So we should just do those.

And they believed me.

And I was just fine.

Underwhelmed once again in fact.

They were not. They did not enjoy rocking back and forth and the two guys from Mexico in the carriage with us had horror in their eyes.

My sisters yelled to get off but due to a malfunction, they couldn’t. So we went around. And my sisters threatened to kill me.

Which is kind of immature for their age if you ask me.

But we got off and they got a free pass to any ride for the inconvenience of almost vomitting due to a malfunction.

So I say it was a total win.

But I don’t think they will ever listen to me again.

( At least I got to skip the Peter Pan line. )

 

Last Weekend Part 2

And now for the rest of Mother’s Day weekend.

(Sorry it’s late.  I became ill.  When I am ill, I revert to the 1800’s and take to bed waiting for someone to spoon feed me broth.  This never actually happens.)

If you want to forget it’s Mother’s Day, I highly recommend finishing a half marathon the day after spending 9 hours at Disneyland.  Then AFTER the half, spend the next 9 hours at California Adventure.  You will be so sore, you will forget what day it actually is.

At least that’s what happened to me.

I’ve been suffering from Plantar Fasciitis so I didn’t expect to finish.  I actually didn’t plan on doing it at all but there wasn’t anyone to sell my bib to and when you get to Disneyland you become possessed and think anything is possible if you wish upon a star.

So I walked down the green carpet and picked up my stuff and with the music and the people and the fairy dust, I declared to Amber that I was going to do it.  I thought I would just walk through the parks and meet all of the characters they had along the race. Then I would demand a metal because I’d already paid for it.

Amber and Brittany ran.  I said goodbye and turned on some NPR.

Because I didn’t care about my time, I posed.

I'm unsure I will ever run in tulle again.

I’m unsure I will ever run in tulle again.

And posed.

I find standing next to chipmunks to be slimming

I find standing next to chipmunks to be slimming

And posed.

I want to do a Star Wars race.

I want to do a Star Wars race.

And then I was out of the parks.

Here’s the thing.  I was almost halfway by then and I thought I could do it.  No biggie.

13.1 miles without training is a biggie.  But I kept going.  And I finished.

My headband says "Run like it's Midnight"

My headband says “Run like it’s Midnight”

I may not have told my podiatrist I did this.  He was not sure it would be beneficial to my foot.  I have yet to notice a difference but I may have put my healing back a while.

It’s not my fault.

Stupidity usually couples with stubbornness.

And there was that stupid fairy dust…

(I won’t be entering another race until I’m fully healed, however.  I at least learn.  Sometimes.  When I limp.)

My Weekend Part 1

Saturday was the movie premiere for Tomorrowland. The premiere was at Dowtown Disney so my friends and I decided to check it out. 

Cindy Crawford was there and Lance Bass but I didn’t get pictures of them. Then I got pictures of a couple people I don’t recognize but people screamed so I took pictures. Like one does. 

   
       

If you know any of them, let me know. I think one of them was a bachelor.  And Ashley Tinsdale was there but she looked very different than she did in High School Musical so I don’t have her picture. 

The people around us didn’t know who a lot of these people were either. We needed the lady in front of us at Splash Mountain. She knew Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin were in the park with their kids. I wouldn’t have noticed her either except when I got off the ride the lady in front of us was gushing at her. (I guess there is a Twitter site for celebrity sightings.) 

 

Supposedly you get Disney muscle to let you skip lines if you pay lots of money. The plaid vest is key. KEY PEOPLE. 

And the last guy we saw at the Tomorrowland premiere also seems really familiar. 

   We hung out later. He loves nachos. 

Stupid Plantar Fasciitis

I signed up for the Disneyland Tinkerbell half marathon.  Two of my friends decided to go with me.

Then I got plantar fasciitis.  So I stopped running and now I’m trying to train on an elliptical and bike.  My two friends keep running.

I want to finish all together and have fun and not be exhausted so we can spend the rest of the day just enjoying life.  And eating whatever we want afterwards because we just ran and burned 15 million calories.

And if I don’t burn 15 million calories, I won’t feel like I can eat whatever I want.  And, really, what is the point of entering a race if you can’t stuff your face after?

I entered this race two days after my miscarriage when I decided I didn’t want to be around for Mother’s Day.  So why not run a race?  I’ll get back into shape, lose weight, get endorphins, have something to concentrate on.

But my body said no and I developed foot pain and now I have to work out around it.  I will probably be walking 13.1 miles and that’s just stupid.  I did that last year and I did not handle it well.  (I pouted the whole time I drank my frozen hot chocolate and ate three cupcakes.)

I don’t want to walk this race.

I want to jog this race very, very slowly.

Like the true athlete I am.

Even my spray tan is sad.  It's crying.

Even my spray tan is sad and crying.

Miscarriages Are Hard

Miscarriages are hard.  They’re death.  My son died.  When you go to talk to someone who has had a miscarriage, remember that.  And before you speak, ask yourself if you would say that to someone who just lost their child.  When in doubt, just say you’re sorry.  Actually, don’t risk it.  Just say you’re sorry.

I was told by the nurse that people would try to comfort me with poorly chosen words.  Even in grief, I would need to be patient with others and they’re lack of knowing what to do.

Grief is interesting.  I haven’t been able to just let go and feel everything I feel.  I’ve been thinking about my kids and husband.  I need to be there for them too.  And I don’t quite know how to do it.

I’ve been told to take some time alone.  I’ve been told to call a friend to come over in an hour to make sure I’m okay, and spend that hour crying has hard has I need.  I’ve been told to drive to the mountains and scream.

Instead, I’m going to Disneyland.

I can’t seem to just scream.  I’ve never been able to.  I can cry, but I need to scream.  So I’m going to ride the Tower of Terror and scream.  And if there are tears with the screams, then I guess I’m just that scared.

And it will be nice to go somewhere no one knows me or my story for three days.  I can scream without people talking to me.  Except to tell me to have a “Disney-rific Day” and “Welcome home.”

This could end up being a horrible idea.  I may start crying on the Tower of Terror and not stop.  Plus I’m fighting feelings of abandoning my family and the knowledge life will never be the same no matter how much I scream.

I will never meet my little boy.  I will never hold him, kiss him, or nuzzle his neck.  And for the rest of my life, he will be in the back of my mind.

I’m a mother of four now.  And even Mickey Mouse can’t make it all better.