Tag Archives: gifts

Post Apocalypse AKA Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is one of the more fascinating holidays, in my opinion.  Some women love it and spend the day posting cute little pictures on social media.  Some women loathe it and spend the day posting scathing comments on social media.  Actually, those usually come before Mother’s Day.

There’s no definitive test to motherhood.  At the same time, there seems to be a lot of scrutiny on mothers.  They seem to be the deciding factor on whether or not people will succeed or fail in life.  Which only kind of makes sense because great moms can have truly rotten kids and rotten mothers can have wonderful kids who “rise above it all.”

My kids were very kind on Mother’s Day.  They helped make breakfast and they’d made gifts for me at school.  I wore two handmade pins and I read how my youngest loves me because I make him cake and my oldest wrote I’m best at “running and calling it jogging.”

I smiled all day.  It was exhausting.

But I do a have a teeny, tiny problem with Mother’s Day.  Every year, I get a plant.  It may be from a child or from church or from a friend, but I get one just the same.  Plants distress me.

I can’t keep them alive.

So on Mother’s Day, the day that celebrates my ability to raise human beings, I am given a living object I can’t keep alive.  Do you see the paranoia this can cause?  It’s like I’m given a gift that screams : “MURDERER!”

It makes it very difficult to keep smiling.

Valentine’s Gift Suggestions

I’m about to put my hair in a ponytail so I can go buy my Valentine’s gift from my husband.  He’s already told me what he’s getting me but the store closes before he gets home so I’m off to get it myself.  I told him I’d bought myself some nice shoes on sale and they could count.  (When I bought them, I decided I could wear them for Valentine’s Day thus giving me justification for purchasing them.  And they are Via Spiga for under $40.  Via Spiga shoes are generally $150-$300.  They’re strappy dress shoes completely unrealistic to wear in the 6 inches of snow we have but when I saw them for under $40 and in my size with free shipping, I knew it was a sign to purchase them and wear them the first chance I get.  Due to the horrible winter everyone is having, this is looking like it will occur sometime in July.)

(Of 2015.)

But my husband had different ideas.

We’ve been having a cold winter.  Last week, most nights were below -30.  For some reason, our bedroom is not very warm.  So I’ve been compensating.

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I think this screams Romance

I wear a hooded fleece, long john sweats, and socks to sleep in.  I also wrap up in a blanket before I get under the covers.  I sleep incredibly warm.  AND My sweats, fleece AND blanket match.  I’m incredibly stylin’.

So my husband came home last night and declared we were getting a fireplace for our bedroom and it would be my Valentine’s Day gift.  We went to the fireplace store and it was closed.  Lowe’s selection was replaced with vegetable seeds so I’m heading back today.  It’s going to be a bit of a process because I have to figure out if we’re going to tear a hole in the wall for gas or just plug in an electric one.  I’m hedging toward electric, because if this is what I wear when the wall is complete, you can’t imagine what I’ll be wearing if there is a hole in the wall.

It won’t be Via Spiga sandals, that’s for sure.

What Exactly Constitutes the Christmas Spirit?

I’m taking a survey and I’m hoping you all agree with me because then I could tell my husband that tens of people agree with me.

Instead of baking homemade cookies that may not come out and some people may not like, I would like to deliver a plate of Pepperidge Farm cookies to all of my neighbors.

Everyone loves Pepperidge Farm cookies.  They have delicious gingerbread which is hard to do and they add peppermint to a bunch of stuff during this time of year.

The card would say: From our family to yours if we lived on a farm.  In the town of Pepperidge.

I think it would cause laughter and jealousy because everyone will wish they thought of it.  I mean, let’s be honest, no one WANTS to make 10 dozen cookies at Christmas.  We just want to look like amazing neighbors and make everyone love us.  (Especially if there’s a possibility our kid might pull out their flowers for Mother’s day.)

What do you think?  Is a plate of Pepperidge Farm cookies keeping within the Spirit of Christmas?  Would you like a plate?  (What’s your address?) 

I'd even put a store bought bow on it.

I’d even put a store bought bow on it.

This week’s Holiday Gift Suggestion

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A Pedi-in-a-Cup. Nothing brings to mind foot and mouth disease so easily. So buy this for your loved ones today.

I’ve Made a Rash (and yet Delicious) Decision

I’ve made a rash decision and I’ve done so without discussing it with my husband.  I hope he understands but if he doesn’t, it’s really too late.  I hope it doesn’t do any permanent damage to our relationship but I feel as though it was a personal decision and I was ready.  It’s taken a few years to get here but I feel as though I’ve matured enough now and it’s time.

I signed up for the Fruit and Cheese of the Month Club.

I’m kind of excited.  Fruit of the Month seemed like a really big decision and I couldn’t do it.  But then I saw that I could get it with cheese and it was as though the whole world expanded.

With cheese, Fruit of the Month becomes educational.  I figure Harry and David will do all of the work matching what cheese goes best with what fruit and all I have to do is blend the two.  By the end of the year, I will know how to eat cheese and fruit TOGETHER.

I also feel as though this gives my children a hand up in the world.  They will grow up knowing what cheese goes best with what fruit.  Something I didn’t have at their age. Who knows what doors this may open?  I’m pretty sure it will help with the Harvard applications.  (Although truth be told, I’ve been flirting with Stanford lately.)

I will keep you updated.  I promise to share my new knowledge.  Otherwise it would really just be selfish.

I hope my husband understands.

Does it come cut up and dipped in chocolate too?

Does it come cut up and dipped in chocolate too?

The Universe and Manilow

I’m worried about Barry Manilow.  I think karma may get him.  I’m waiting to hear.

Last time I mentioned a writing retreat I went to.  It was Thursday to Saturday.  I was pretty much in a class or discussing writing.  My friend called me and told me she had 2 free tickets to Barry Manilow.  I had an appointment I was able to switch so I could make it to the concert.  So I just happened to be in the state on the night Barry would be performing; I had free tickets and I was able to go.

I WAS MEANT TO GO.

So I got in my car and started driving.  It was about an hour drive to the stadium.  I was ten minutes away.  I was making good time.  I was pretending my name was Mandy when my friend texted:

Manilow cancelled.

HE CANCELLED. Five minutes before the doors were to open and he cancelled.

The universe had symbiotically come together to allow me to go to Barry. THE UNIVERSE wanted me to go to Barry Manilow.

And he cancelled.  I’m worried what the universe might do.

I own this but I don't have a matching boa and now I never will.

I own this but I don’t have a matching boa and now I never will.

Tim Hortons, I Love You

I recently went to Canada for my friend, Leanne Shirtliffe’s book launch.  Look it up.  I’ll wait.
I visited with part of the critique group, The Easy Writers.  Brad, Trish, Elena, and Leanne were kind enough to let me hang out with them.  In public.

I learned A LOT while there.

1. A child’s room had a sign on her door saying people taller than it can’t enter.  It’s probably at 6’5”.  I don’t know what that is in meters.  I apologize.  I could google it.  I was telling Brad this.  I said, “She must be scared of Saskatchewans.”  I got a confused look.  I learned that while Sasquatch may be a Saskatchewan, not all Saskatchewans are Sasquatches.
2.  I learned people from Saskatchewan are called people from Saskatchewan and not Saskatchewans or Saskatchewanianianians.  But I also learned writing “people from Saskatchewan” takes longer.  (I did not learn the plural for Sasquatch.  I mean, does anyone really care?)
3.  I learned that the city of Calgary has more people than the whole state of Montana.
4.  I also learned that I was deluding myself by believing so few people live in Montana because it’s so far north but the Calgary statistics prove otherwise.  (I knew before this trip that Calgary is north of Montana.  Thank you, 4th grade teacher, Mr. Lichenstein.)
5.  I learned that it doesn’t matter how long I’ve worn heels; I still make rookie mistakes.  Like putting lotion on my feet right before a book launch party.
6.  I learned that falling on pavement in Canada before a party is just as embarrassing as falling on pavement in the U.S before a pary.
7.  And, probably most importantly, I learned that Highway 2 forks and if you stay to the left you go to Calgary and if you go to the right, you head to Edmonton.  The key is the big buildings.  If you are around big buildings, you are in Calgary.  If all of the big buildings are behind you and you are still heading north, you are not.

I thought I’d found 3 rude Canadians while there and it was really exciting.  But it was pointed out they could’ve been visiting Americans.  I’m totally going to card them next time.

As I drove south, I realized I hadn’t been to Tim Hortons while there.  So I stopped.  I was afraid I’d be asked at the border.

It was a totes brill* trip.  I highly recommend driving to Canada and reading books written by The Easy Writers while eating Kraft Peanut Butter.
Go.  Go now.

*I believe this is current slang for totally brilliant.  The verdict is out as to whether you can combine two abbreviated words.  Whatever.

I got this in Calgary.  It gives me more street cred as a writer.

I got this in Calgary. It gives me more street cred as a writer.

Supernatural Cookies

It’s Girl Scout Cookies season.  My daughter sold them this year.  This has solidified my belief that these cookies have magical powers.  At the very least, they’re supernatural.  I’ve studied this.  Intently.  And based upon my scientific research* I have deduced a few hypotheses:

  1. Thin Mints can be eaten faster than any other cookie.
  2. Thin Mints must be eaten a row at a time.  Once a row is opened, it will be consumed within ten minutes.  Do not fight this.
  3. Once a box is open, it will be eaten within a day.
  4. No one buys just one box.  Unless they are buying one box from five different people.
  5. Buying cookies from cute, smiling uniformed girls makes you believe the cookies are for a good cause and that this time you will not consume them all in one day.
  6. They are only sold yearly so that you forget how quickly you eat them, leading you to buy more because you can freeze them and eat them slowly, which you have never done in the 10 years you’ve been buying them.
  7. No one has ever paid any attention to the outside of the box, leading one to wonder why in the world the boxes are decorated at all.  Everyone only pays attention to the color of the box.  Thin Mints = green.  Samoas = purple.  Tagalongs = red.  ETC

I also believe no one truly remembers the boxes they order and you could deliver the wrong boxes as long as you include some Thin Mints and Samoas.  I did not test this theory completely, however.  I did substitute a box of Samoas for a box of Tagalongs due to the fact that we kept our cookies in the garage and when we went to deliver them, one box of Tagalongs had mysteriously been opened with a row eaten, but not by any of my children, of course.  Obviously someone broke into our garage, ate 4 cookies, then left.

I think the only thing that would make Girl Scout Cookies better would be if you could fly when you ate them.

I had 72 boxes in my house at one point.  I have the control of a warrior.

I had 72 boxes in my house at one point. I have the control of a warrior.

*I’ve eaten at least 3 boxes a year since the age of 10.

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Valentine’s Day

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My husband got me chocolate covered strawberries today. They are incredible. I think there are about 3 layers of chocolate on each one.
This makes it harder to know what to get him. So I thought long and hard and bought myself Aveda Shampure. It smells amazing.
So when he kisses me he can smell it and it will make him happy. I’m selfless like that.

Running out of Gift Ideas

I have a friend who is really difficult to buy for and this year I have no creative juices flowing when it comes to gift giving.  I sent my parents a check.  How sad is that?

I sent my sister restaurant gift cards but my friend does no gluten so I didn’t know what would be a good restaurant.

She doesn’t like box/chain stores so Target gift card is out of the question.

I made gluten free brownies the other day, tried them, threw them away.

She is into the environment so I was gonna get her some non-latex balloons she could open and put air back into the universe but I don’t exhale oxygen and helium is bad, I guess.

I’m thinking of giving her giftcards to local stores although she doesn’t live by me.  I figure:

1. it will force a visit or

2. she may regift them back to me for my b-day in 2 months.

(I blame my crisis.)

Suggestions?