Tag Archives: stalking

Surrey International Writers’ Conference

I went to SIWC this year.  It was a very good time.  I got to see good friends and I got to spend a day in Vancouver where my friend and I rode a tandem around Stanley Park while wearing helmets and looking totes fab.  I’d never been on a tandem where you could change gears.  I guess I still haven’t technically because when I tried, the chain came off.  But a nice guy helped us get it back on after my friend was already covered in grease.  We only thought we were going to die twice and the poutine we had in McDonald’s afterwards was poutine from McDonald’s.

Good Times.

I’ve got to say I love Vancouver.  It has the greatest little water taxis and people are incredibly nice and the food was amazing.  We even got to walk East Hastings Street which we found out very quickly, one should not do.  And if one finds oneself on said street, one should go to another street.  But I did find a great place to buy gear if I ever decide to become a stripper.

Then we went to the conference and Jasper Fforde. was there.  I love Jasper Fforde.  He wrote The Eyre Affair and tons of other books.  You should read them.  They’re amazing.  But this was the first time I was going to meet an author I had read before finding out they would be at the conference.  And I was very excited.

And I let everyone know.

On the first day, when they introduced everyone, I watched for him and memorized what he was wearing so that during lunch I could stalk him.  But then his name tag was turned around and I wasn’t positive it was him.  Luckily the author/SIWC board member in front of me asked how I looked familiar and I said I was a Calgary writer wanna be and then I told her I was trying to stalk Jasper Fforde.  She then politely called over to him so that I knew that was him for sure and asked him a question.  It was all very well done and not creepy at all.

Then I went to the two panels he was on that day.  Or maybe it was only one.  When I saw him in the hall, I started talking to him and we had a wonderful chat and I knew that my plan to go to every one of his classes was the correct one and still not creepy at all.

And just to show how not creepy I was, I even saw him in the club room and didn’t go and try to steal the egg roll off of his plate.  (Seinfeld reference there.)

The next day I went to another panel class and then it was time for the “Lunch with a presenter” lunch.  They make the presenters sit with us commoners.  And I wanted to sit at his table.  But he kept talking to people in the buffet line.  So luckily a SIWC volunteer saw me and asked how my stalking was going and if I was going to sit at his table and I said yes but I didn’t know which one it was because he wouldn’t get out of the stupid buffet line and then he finally did and actually sat down right behind where I was standing which didn’t make it awkward at all to turn around while holding a plate of food and nonchalantly sit across from him.

Then I went to two more of his classes and then asked him to sign four books and then I walked away to never see him again.  Sort of.  I mean there was still half a day but I’m only good at stalking for two days.  Then I get tired.

Overall, it was the most successful stalking I have ever done.  (It’s actually the only stalking I’ve ever done unless you want to count volunteering for Montana Book and Toy bookstore so I could be near David Sedaris all night Tuesday, but that was more a civic duty.)

And I feel good about it.

I should get these for stalking

I should get these for stalking

I’m also Following Blogs from Australia

This may be the last bit of Simon Baker side effects in my life for a while.  Besides thinking I know him and naming my chickens after him, there isn’t much left.

Except.

While I was in my googling/stalking/I want to visit Australia stage of my life, or as some call it, April, I happened upon two blogs that are keepers.

And you should follow them.  Because they are interesting and humorous and have this wonderful bit where they chat for five minutes and post it.  It reminds me of conversations I’ve had with friends.  Except it’s only five minutes.  And that’s generally how long we spend trying to decide if we should cook dinner or buy something and throw it into Tupperware and tell everyone we made it.

Anyhow.  Here they are:

The Sharpest Pencil by Lana Hirschowitz and Life and Other Crises by Kerri Sackville

I actually think I would get along better with them than Simon Baker.  Mostly because if I asked them what hair care products they use, I bet they know and would tell me.  (This may be an unfair judgement of Mr. Baker due to the fact that I have never asked him what hair care products he uses and he could be very free with this information.  I’m just worried I’d be arrested by the time I got close enough to ask.)

The best part is if people tell me that stalking is wrong and a bit creepy, I can argue that I found these two blogs that make me laugh and I can listen to them for the exact amount of time it takes me to put things in a Tupperware bowl and slice a cucumber on top to make it look homemade.

And what more can one ask for?

Copyright law is confusing so instead of posting a picture of them, I'm posting a picture of my semi-sharpened pencil.  It connects to what I wrote if you don't think very hard.

Copyright law is confusing so instead of posting a picture of them, I’m posting a picture of my semi-sharpened pencil. It connects to their blog titles if you don’t think very hard.

 

I Would Be A Lot of Fun at “The Mentalist”‘s Barbeque

I may have a slight issue.   It’s really hard to tell. I thought I’d share and get some second opinions. Because if you think you’re going crazy, you should ask people on the internet for a truly unbiased, yet medically sound diagnosis.

I’ve mentioned before that after my miscarriage, I found comfort, solace, and general escape from real life by watching The Mentalist. I’ve seen every episode a few times by now. Of course, I’m not really watching them to watch them, so even though I’ve seen one a few times, there are major plot lines I’ve missed. Maybe just side plot lines. But it’s amazing how much one can miss when one is not paying attention. (I’m pretty sure no one has realized this before and I’ve just changed the world.)

I decided I liked Simon Baker so I found the The Guardian. This show is not a comedy, however, and kind of intense and not exactly as carefree as The Mentalist.

The Mentalist is based on a man trying to find and murder a serial killer who killed his family. Turns out, one can have a pretty good sense-of-humor while trying to find a serial killer who killed one’s family.

So I decided to Google Simon Baker and see what else I could find.

He was also in a TV show called Smith, which there were only seven episodes. I saw all seven.

Then I watched The Devil Wears Prada. Then I watched it again to look more closely at the clothes.

In my defense, I never Googled personal stuff. I saw an interview on Jimmy Fallon where he and Fallon did Mick Jagger imitations but that was during a Jimmy Fallon You-Tube marathon. It’s amazing how much time you can waste clicking on games and weird things Fallon has done with guests on his show. Raw Egg Roulette is a favorite.

I digress.

So I don’t know Baker’s birthday or where he lives or his favorite color or what his sign is. I know he has a family. And he’s from Australia. But that’s it. And I know he’s in his 40’s. Maybe.  I think.

So I’m not exactly sure I would qualify as a stalker.

More of a temporary fan. (I’ve never watched this much of one actor in such a short period but when I was on my Beverly Hills 90210 fix, I did watch parts of the movie Dylan and Brandon did together on the Hallmark channel. I apologize for not researching the actors’ names. But they will always be Dylan and Brandon in my heart.  And I will always be willing to watch BH 90210 though I somehow feel as though I will outgrow Simon. Sorry.)

HOWEVER

I do believe there may be a problem.  A tiny one.

Because during spring break when I took my kids to the Jazz game, I noticed Dante Exum is from Australia.  (Exum is an amazing rookie on the team and a blast to watch play ball.)

And I thought, “I should tell Simon.”

Then I remembered I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW SIMON BAKER.

It took me a whole second for that to register.  That seems a second too long.

But I do think he’d like me if we did meet.  I’m great fun at barbeques.

(Due to the fact that I’m afraid of infringing on copyright and I don’t actually have any personal pictures of Simon Baker possibly because I don’t actually know him, I will not be including a picture in today’s blog post.  Thank you for understanding.)

Just Because

I thought I’d share these with you.  In case you didn’t know they existed.  I think we can all agree our lives are now a little more complete.

They have them for every member of the band.  Not just Liam.  (I know his name because some of the nails say it.)

They have them for every member of the band. Not just Liam. (I know his name because some of the nails say it.)

I’m a Tricycle

I think I’m having an existential crisis again.  But I’m not completely sure.  Mostly because I’m a little confused on what an existential crisis is.

If what I think it is is what it is then I am.  And if it’s not what I think it is and it’s annoying you that I’m using this phrase, then the rest of this post is just going to make you more annoyed so I think you should google “blogs that use the word existential correctly.”  And we’ll see you later.

But you should come back.  I’m listening to a class on Waterfront law issues and I’m sure I’ll have amazing things to write about afterwards.

I'm just sad it's only 5 hours.

I’m just sad it’s only 5 hours.

I think I’m watching too much bad teen television.  (I’m open to suggestions on good teen television.)  It’s making me question my life: thus my use of existential.  (I threw in thus just in case anyone who didn’t like my use of the word existential hung around.  I find a good thus solves many problems.)

I recently spoke to a friend of mine I hadn’t spoken with for a year or so.  Whenever I talk to someone I haven’t for a while, I ponder how we met.  (thus + ponder = appeasement)  After I hung up, I thought about how I got to know her because I knew her boyfriend first and then we all clicked and I hung out with the two of them.  It wasn’t a big deal.  I believe at the time I was overcoming an over-sized crush on an unobtainable man. (This description may also be coming from teen television.)  And then I thought about it some more and watched a couple episodes of Teen Wolf and realized that for 6 months of my life, I was the third wheel.  (Lightening should be going off in the background and Vincent Price should’ve read that last line.)

I’m not sure how I could’ve missed that for almost 20 years.   I feel like I’ve been living a lie.  I’m not sure what the lie would be because I do remember being invited and not inviting myself and I think it only happened 3 or 4 times BUT I do think this proves one thing:  I need to watch more teen television.

FYI: Orange is the new apostrophes, underlining of proper nouns, and italics.

Stalking the O.C.

Many of you know I have a slight thing for Beverly Hills 90210 It’s helped me through some tough times.  If you ever don’t know what to do, the BEST option is to ask yourself, “What would Kelly Taylor do?  And would it affect her relationship with Dylan?”

Well, I recently  moved and as I was unpacking I started watching The O.C.  It is epic. (I learned how to use that word from watching, I think.)  It is a bit different from 90210 in that it has characters that are supposed to be funny.  It is the same in that everyone is rich, beautiful, and gets good grades without going to class.  I think I played high school wrong.  Obviously the social clubs help you get into college more than academics.  And never, ever, ever having a bag big enough to carry books in.

Of course there is one character I can’t stand, but unlike 90210, she is the one that leaves/dies, making season 4 the best season and truly hilarious.  Peter Gallagher has some of the best lines of any teen soap.

When things are bad, I like to pretend I’m in the O.C.  It’s warm there.  My hair is always perfect.   I can go to sleep in full makeup without breaking out.  Bras are an unnecessary accessory.  And I have 4-6 really close friends I do everything with for the rest of my life who live in my neighborhood.

I just haven’t figured out how to get over the fact that I also have to date all of the men in the group.  It’s going to be a really difficult conversation to have with my husband.

Wow.  The picture sums up so much.

Wow. This picture sums up so much.

You choose the reality

Back in the 80’s choose-your-own-ending books were really popular.  In honor of these books, this is a choose-your-own-reality post.

You can decide what happened tonight.

Reality 1:

I went to a ceramics exhibit that Twilight Jasper’s sister was participating in.  Jasper was there, saw me, and rushed over.

“You,” he said, “are what I always pictured Bella would look like.  Wait.”

No really, wait.  I have to google a character’s name.

“My character is in love with Alice so it would make more sense if I said you are always what I thought Alice would look like.”

Then he took my hand, kissed it and we went away in a horse drawn carriage.

Reality 2:

He nor his sister were at the exhibit and I had a great time with two friends eating Thai.  We went away in a Subaru.

This or that

You choose.

What to say if you meet a Vampire

In case anyone was wondering, I have not joined the Y.  Turns out it is more expensive because of the age of my kids so I am back to figuring it out.

And now for more important matters:

Next week there is a chance I may see a vampire from Twilight next week.  I could say it is about a 20% chance.  That isn’t great but today I am at 0% so it is a 20% improvement.  I’ll take it.

I have convinced a few friends to go with me to an event one might show up at and then we are going to go eat Thai food so no matter what, it will be a successful evening.

I have come up with a few lines to use around him.  Please let me know which one has the highest likelihood to let him know I am an amazing BFF without making him wonder if he should call the police.

1. “Oh my, this light makes my skin look so SPARKLY”  -I plan on wearing my Body Shop Satsuma sparkling body lotion.  If I were to say this and my skin wasn’t actually sparkling, I would sound like an idiot.

2.  “My husband is a dentist.  Can I see your canines?”

3.  Non-chalantly cut myself and say “Oh my gosh, I’m BLEEDING.”  (I’m thinking I should only use this line if I find the vampire good-looking in case he comes running over and starts sucking on the cut.  And if he is good-looking, I can overlook the fact that some completely insane man is sucking on my finger because he isn’t actually a vampire.)

4.  “Hey, I’m a stay-at-home Mormon mom who is writing a book.  Knowing someone like me has worked for you before…”

5.  While pointing out the window –“Is that a wolf? Run for your lives.”  Actually, I think I could get away with this, living in Montana.

6.  “I bet I can run faster than you.  Ready…  GO”  (I don’t plan on actually running.  Just watching him.)

7.  “You look so strong.  Try and pick me up.  Come on.  Try.”  (I plan on losing 25 lbs in the next week.)

8. “Don’t you just want to smack Bella  sometimes?”

9.  “Fork you.”  This can be said if I become angry because none of the other lines have worked.

10.  “Could you sign my neck?”

So let me know if you like any of these or if you have thought of a better one.  I googled the guy to see what he actually looks like and there is a high liklihood I will not recognize him without contacts, body powder and a really bad wig, so none of this may matter.  I plan on making something up no matter what, anyway.

This picture makes me feel like they are disappointed in something I did. Or am going to do.

Stalking

I am not a very good cyber stalker.  I get bored with people after a day or two.  Sometimes it lasts a week, but never longer.  About a month ago, I stumbled on a Twilight site, thinking it was about how to use Twitter, and got hooked.  Some people may think the utter and complete devotion to fictional characters and Robert Pattinson (or RPatz as he is known by his stalkers) is perhaps unstable or unhealthy, but I admire their stamina.  These blogs have been up for a couple of years and they still keep talking about RPatz.  That is dedication I just don’t have.

There is one site I visit occasionally because they are humorous but I can’t pass the site on because it is VERY irreverent and my parents may link to it and I will be shamed.  (You can guess from this that I do not write romance.)  But they are some very funny women who may or may not tell their husbands that they contribute to this blog.  They find EVERY picture ever taken of RPatz, post it on their blog, and then comment about how wonderful he is and what they would do if they ever found him alone in an alley.  (By the way, Robert, if you read this, DO NOT travel anywhere alone.)  They even have a big enough following that they have spies in the town he is filming in.  This is some SERIOUS dedication.

I don’t have it.  I stalked Dylan and Brandon from 90210 a couple weeks ago.  It lasted two hours.  I read Wikipedia and then watched them on Jimmy Kimmel and then went to sleep.  I woke up still wanting to watch 90210 and the new movie they made together but once I did that, I was fine.  I may still have a slight 90210 addiction, but that will end when I see all the episodes (and I fast forward all the parts with Andrea and Donna so I am not even really dedicated to that show 100%).

I had a thing for Timothy Olyphant for a day.  I found the show Justified, which I love but it has a bit of swearing (every other word) so I will not recommend it to those who don’t enjoy a nice cuss word every now and again. (But I do believe a blog entry based on it is coming.)  I googled him, found you could watch Catch and Release on You Tube in 10 minutes increments, watched a half hour, got tired of 10 minutes, thought about renting it, and then fell asleep.  (I tend to stalk right before bed.)

Even the guy I went to college with who I wrote about who is a big jerk for being successful?  I haven’t googled him since that night.

Does this mean I am not a dedicated person?  I know I have been married for ten years and I spend every day raising kids, and I have spent the last two years working on writing, and I still speak to EVERY member of my family, but if I can’t be a good stalker, in a time when stalking is so EASY, is there really any hope?  (I included the pictures to show that I can find these people, but I spent more time figuring out how to place them in the blog than I spent actually looking at the pictures and they don’t have any witty captions.  So, so sad.)